Great Films, Not-So-Great Reviewers
Here’s yet another installment of film reviews by amateurs (this time all from netflix). I find the opinions of dullards to be quite entertaining. All typos and misspelled words are left as they appeared in the original reviews.
Review of “A History of Violence” by ia, one star
First something good, Ed Harris was in the movie. Other than that, where to start. Poor acting by Vigo, predicible plot, Gandhi-killer idea, 15 wasted minutes in sex scenes (not bad on their own, but nothing to do with the plot), karate kid junior, cheap usage of shocking and sex scenes to raise adrenalin, no humor, no suspense, no drama, no twist ... Watch any Tarantino movie if you want violence, any Steven Seagal movie if you want "I am invincible" fights, any xxx movie if you want sex scenes. Do not waste 96 minutes on this unless you want inferior mix of the above.
Review of “The Loss of Sexual Innocence” by The Champ, one star
I fast forwarded through most of this doo doo of a film. What are people thinking when they think of ideas like this for films? I mean, who is crazy enough to finance mess like this? The person or persons obviously has money to burn.
Review of “Body Heat” by Veggivixen, one star
Though I am in the minority it seems, my opinion isn't totally out there from what I have read from the other reviewers who didn't rate this highly. There was nothing sexy or erotic about this film. Did zilch for me in that respect. Came across as a really desperate attempt to come across that way, but failed miserably. 1 huge issue is William Hurt as the "sexy" male lead. Sorry, but he has zero sex appeal and it's actually just gross to watch him in sexual situations as he's so unappealing to look at. Reminds me of the casting of Ed Bagley Jr. in She Devil as the "sexy" male lead (just as out of place) and I know Kathleen Turner was supposed to be a sex symbol then, but I have never figured out why. She has no body and a manly voice. She'd be a great drag queen if she were male, but as a woman she barely cuts it looks wise. So we have to lead roles here of people who are not sexy in the slightest. The sex scenes are very sub-par and very few and far between. Dialog is very forced and fake. I guess for one to actually think this is a hot sexy film you must be really disassociated from the world and films in general. And to think this is actually a good film, well I guess you ain't seen many films cause this is not a quality film in any respect.
Review of “Solaris” by Greedy1, one star
I too have read the shamelessly biased reviews of many a paid movie critic of this nightmarishly shallow, poorly scripted, unimaginative sled. How anyone of sound mind or conscious could call this callously packaged ‘chic flick’ anything short of a theatrical debacle is beyond me. The movie is slow, the cinematography is weak, scenes just drone on endlessly, and the ending is about as shocking as a jack in the box. To add insult to injury they shamelessly feed the twisted desires of many a female movie going with three gratuitous Clooney bare butt shots. Can I get a ‘GIVE ME A #$%*%* BREAK!’ The first shot was enough, at least tastefully done and well lit…but the other two, COME ON! Notice that the movie was absent of any female nudity…maybe then I would have been less pressed to bury a straw in my eye after the first 30 minutes. I feel for ANYONE who was fooled by the reviews that has to endure this disaster. Clooney should be beyond embarrassed that he signed on to this bomb
(Oh, too much male nudity… boo hoo! This is perhaps the only non-gay film in the history of cinema which contains more male than female nudity, and Greedy1 wants to begrudge us that? Gee, thanks. I rarely review films based on their nudity content alone, in spite of my twisted desires.)
Review of “Altered States” by Inkybrown, four stars
Ok, I confess, I got this movie because I am a Drewbie (Drew Barrymore fan) and this was her first movie. She's so cute in her brief scene! Otherwise it is really an interesting story that is very engrossing and trippy.
(OK… I’m glad this reviewer enjoyed the movie, but does Drew Barrymore’s barely post-toddler performance really merit mention? I have to say I’ve seen this movie at least 5 times and never noticed it was her. I guess that means I need to watch it again.)
Review of “Dead Ringers” by elena laura, one star
It was the most disturbing, disgusting, distastful movie i have ever seen.... i was so dissapointed and outraged that it compelled me to write a review.
(In case you were wondering, this isn’t the first sentence of the review. This is the entire review.)
Review of “The Mirror” by Melody from ABQ, one star
I hated this movie. It is not my kind of film. There is no story, nothing linear. I found myself asking what is going on? Who is this? I gave up after 30 minutes.
(Just one question… how does somebody rent a Tarkovsky film from Netflix without knowing exactly what they’re getting into?)
Review of “The Man Who Fell To Earth” by SF from Fayetteville, AK
Man, David Bowie can be kind of cool, suck or really suck. Labrynth would be an example of him being kind of cool in a movie. This would be an example of him really sucking. I mean I really like weird movies and, was sure I'd like this one. But this is just gross and stupid. When the girl carries Bowies naked body around like a baby I poped this one out and stuck it in the mail.
(I disagree... I don’t think David Bowie can ever be really suck!)
Review of “A History of Violence” by ia, one star
First something good, Ed Harris was in the movie. Other than that, where to start. Poor acting by Vigo, predicible plot, Gandhi-killer idea, 15 wasted minutes in sex scenes (not bad on their own, but nothing to do with the plot), karate kid junior, cheap usage of shocking and sex scenes to raise adrenalin, no humor, no suspense, no drama, no twist ... Watch any Tarantino movie if you want violence, any Steven Seagal movie if you want "I am invincible" fights, any xxx movie if you want sex scenes. Do not waste 96 minutes on this unless you want inferior mix of the above.
Review of “The Loss of Sexual Innocence” by The Champ, one star
I fast forwarded through most of this doo doo of a film. What are people thinking when they think of ideas like this for films? I mean, who is crazy enough to finance mess like this? The person or persons obviously has money to burn.
Review of “Body Heat” by Veggivixen, one star
Though I am in the minority it seems, my opinion isn't totally out there from what I have read from the other reviewers who didn't rate this highly. There was nothing sexy or erotic about this film. Did zilch for me in that respect. Came across as a really desperate attempt to come across that way, but failed miserably. 1 huge issue is William Hurt as the "sexy" male lead. Sorry, but he has zero sex appeal and it's actually just gross to watch him in sexual situations as he's so unappealing to look at. Reminds me of the casting of Ed Bagley Jr. in She Devil as the "sexy" male lead (just as out of place) and I know Kathleen Turner was supposed to be a sex symbol then, but I have never figured out why. She has no body and a manly voice. She'd be a great drag queen if she were male, but as a woman she barely cuts it looks wise. So we have to lead roles here of people who are not sexy in the slightest. The sex scenes are very sub-par and very few and far between. Dialog is very forced and fake. I guess for one to actually think this is a hot sexy film you must be really disassociated from the world and films in general. And to think this is actually a good film, well I guess you ain't seen many films cause this is not a quality film in any respect.
Review of “Solaris” by Greedy1, one star
I too have read the shamelessly biased reviews of many a paid movie critic of this nightmarishly shallow, poorly scripted, unimaginative sled. How anyone of sound mind or conscious could call this callously packaged ‘chic flick’ anything short of a theatrical debacle is beyond me. The movie is slow, the cinematography is weak, scenes just drone on endlessly, and the ending is about as shocking as a jack in the box. To add insult to injury they shamelessly feed the twisted desires of many a female movie going with three gratuitous Clooney bare butt shots. Can I get a ‘GIVE ME A #$%*%* BREAK!’ The first shot was enough, at least tastefully done and well lit…but the other two, COME ON! Notice that the movie was absent of any female nudity…maybe then I would have been less pressed to bury a straw in my eye after the first 30 minutes. I feel for ANYONE who was fooled by the reviews that has to endure this disaster. Clooney should be beyond embarrassed that he signed on to this bomb
(Oh, too much male nudity… boo hoo! This is perhaps the only non-gay film in the history of cinema which contains more male than female nudity, and Greedy1 wants to begrudge us that? Gee, thanks. I rarely review films based on their nudity content alone, in spite of my twisted desires.)
Review of “Altered States” by Inkybrown, four stars
Ok, I confess, I got this movie because I am a Drewbie (Drew Barrymore fan) and this was her first movie. She's so cute in her brief scene! Otherwise it is really an interesting story that is very engrossing and trippy.
(OK… I’m glad this reviewer enjoyed the movie, but does Drew Barrymore’s barely post-toddler performance really merit mention? I have to say I’ve seen this movie at least 5 times and never noticed it was her. I guess that means I need to watch it again.)
Review of “Dead Ringers” by elena laura, one star
It was the most disturbing, disgusting, distastful movie i have ever seen.... i was so dissapointed and outraged that it compelled me to write a review.
(In case you were wondering, this isn’t the first sentence of the review. This is the entire review.)
Review of “The Mirror” by Melody from ABQ, one star
I hated this movie. It is not my kind of film. There is no story, nothing linear. I found myself asking what is going on? Who is this? I gave up after 30 minutes.
(Just one question… how does somebody rent a Tarkovsky film from Netflix without knowing exactly what they’re getting into?)
Review of “The Man Who Fell To Earth” by SF from Fayetteville, AK
Man, David Bowie can be kind of cool, suck or really suck. Labrynth would be an example of him being kind of cool in a movie. This would be an example of him really sucking. I mean I really like weird movies and, was sure I'd like this one. But this is just gross and stupid. When the girl carries Bowies naked body around like a baby I poped this one out and stuck it in the mail.
(I disagree... I don’t think David Bowie can ever be really suck!)
posted by ginsoakedgirl at 2:05 PM
2 Comments:
Wow, what an awesome way to lash out at the nation's "dullards." I wanna go troll Netflix now for lame-o "reviews" of my faves... that is if I can think of any esoteric movies that I actually like... is Harold and Kumar esoteric?
At first reading, I thought SF from Fayettville was really cool to be able to poop out a David Bowie movie. That would be a worthwhile turd.
Post a Comment
<< Home