Not-So-Great Reviewers, Pedophilia Version

I saw Mysterious Skin at Landmark Theater - a matinee show. I swear 50% of the audience (about 20 people) had to be pedophiles, or closet pedophiles perhaps. It made me feel gross. The person in line behind me at the ticket counter was an awkward 40-something man who had to get directions to the theater from the ticket booth. Usually people who go to matinees in Chicago are movie buffs who damn well know the way to the theater. The person behind me in line had clearly not been to a movie in years. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but the fact stands that many men saw both Lolita and Mysterious Skin, and they sympathized with the pedophilic characters NOT because they were well-written parts which were brilliantly acted, but because they finally got to see some part of themselves reflected on the movie screen. That's disturbing. Now I'm going to make fun of some amateur reviewers.



Review of “Lolita” by Synesthesia, one star
Because he is a terrible director. This whole movie is heavy handed, the way the cherry drips of the whipped cream to represent a loss of innocence, and how the viction, a 12 year old is practically blamed for Humbert Humbert's pervertedness. Every second of this terrible movie makes me cringe and twitch in horror.

Review of “Lolita” by Katie, four stars
at first i thought this movie would be sick but i saw all of these good reviews and the high rating. the movie isn't sick at all. I thought the man would be this nasty pervert but it wasnt like that. The story line was great and its one of those movies that makes u think about what happened after its over.

(Honestly, I would LOVE to see Synesthesia and Katie in a debate. I really would.)

Review of “Lolita” by Mike Robbins, three stars
Feeling kind of weird in a sick way for even wanting to see a movie like this, but being the Doiminique Swain fan I am. I figured I'd give it a try. Only thing I found good about this movie was all the shots of Dominique's feet. For those with a foot fetish this would be a good one to see, however I found it hard to believe Jeremy Irons would be this kind of guy after seeing him take on Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3.

(Dominique Swain fan? There is no such thing. This review makes me feel queasy. He’s clearly a pedophile/foot fetishist who feels that leaving a review on netflix somehow partially exonerates him from his guilty feelings… oh, it’s terrible. It’s so much easier to justify watching this film because you’re a Nabokov fan… or a Jeremy Irons fan... or both.)




Review of “Mysterious Skin” by AH from New York, NY, one star
After reading all the positive hype I saw on this film, I expected something really special. Instead I suffered through a long, pompous and preposterous waste of time. And for once in my life I'd like to see a gay hustler played by someone not so painfully physically unattractive.

(It’s funny… you can learn so much about somebody in just three sentences. AH from New York is sick of all these ugly gay hustlers! Too many ugly gay hustlers in movies, enough! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched a movie and GOD DAMN IT, ANOTHER ugly-ass gay hustler! Wait a second… what movies is he talking about again? And which gay hustler is ugly? Is it Gordon Joseph-Levitt? God knows he’s way too boyish and scrawny for my tastes, but I don't think anyone besides an Aryan Nation member would consider him truly ugly… wait… confused…)

Review of “Mysterious Skin” by JE from Portland, OR, five stars
This is a Gay movie and follows the lives of two boys from adolescence to adulthood. It's blunt be trail of young & emotionally needy young men learning about the Gay Lifestyle and how the survive as they grow.. This could be a movie to watch with supervision, (AdultGays) & those who are under age but have & are questioning their lifestyle..

(Oh, dear. JE from Portland thinks that gay youths should watch this movie with supervision. I really don’t think this is a gay coming-of-age movie, unless you’re a truly unfortunate gay coming-of-age person.)

Review of “Mysterious Skin” by RH from Cypress, TX 2, one star
I like to be entertained by movies. This is the most unetertaining movie I have ever seen! Too much graphic sex involving children. My wife and I HAD to turn it off. I feel like I need to go to confession for just having rented it.

(Well, I have nothing to say. Maybe they rented the movie because they planned on praying for the eternal souls of the actors, director, writer, producer, line producer, makeup artist, best boy, etc… but, um…. I don’t know, it sounds sketchy to me. If you’re from Texas, DON’T watch this movie. Save some time - just go to confession and tell the priest you THOUGHT about renting the movie.)