Not-So-Great Reviewers: Videodrome, Crash, and Crash

Review of “Videodrome” by Mr. BadGas – one star
Watching this film steals two hours from your life. The only thing even slightly redeaming about this film is when james woods puts on a pair of stupid glasses. Of course you have no idea why he went to the glasses shop, or who the salesman is talking to him, or why they go in the basement and put a weird device on his head but other than that the scene was ok

(OK… I admit that Videodrome is an extremely confusing film. But I don’t think it’s quite as confusing as Mr. BadGas makes it out to be.)

Review of “Videodrome” by TK from Garwood, NJ – one star
Was this supposed to be scary? It was more annoying than scary. The best part was seeing Debbie Harry's boobie for about three seconds. This film looked out dated and admitedly is not in my relm of taste. It's a horror movie that atempts to tell a storie and make scense . But it is nothing more that bad eighties cheese that is bogged down by a psudo science fiction pretence which acts only as an excuse for violence and grose out scenes meant to make you squirm but instead I just cringed. Another thing I did'nt like is that you only got to see one of Debbie Harry's boobies not both and for only 3 seconds. A terrible movie.Suitable for Troma.Actualy there's alot of good stuff on Troma.I certainly perfer it over this. P.S.James Woods is a good actor if he has a good role,but This is not one of them.



Review of “Crash” (David Cronenberg’s Crash, that is) by DS from Cranston, RI – one star
I'm only giving it two stars because James Spader is in it. I love him. However, this is the dumbest and weirdest movie I've ever seen. I know he likes the oddball ones, and I can take those ok, but this one just really pushed it. Not recommended, unless you're a freak.

Review of “Crash” by BH from La Mesa, CA – one star
I accidently rented this, mistaking it for the 2005 "Crash" with Sandra Bullock. Didn't realize it until I started watching. I figured it had James Spader in it, who is extremely HOT, so I watched. All I have to say is "ewwwwww." Believe me, I am no prude by any means, but I do like a movie to be mostly believable. This was just a bunch of weirdos getting off to car crashes basically. I expected to find out at the end that it was just James Spader's freaky dream/nightmare. No such luck. It was just mine.

(Ha, ha! Cronenberg unsuccessfully tried to sue Paul Haggis and prevent him from using the title ‘Crash.’ Looks like it might have worked in his favor… people are accidentally renting Cronenberg’s Crash. What an excellent film to rent by mistake. Imagine that… you try to rent a heavy-handed morality play and end up with a film revolving entirely around truly aberrant sexual behavior. Ha, ha!)



Review of “Crash” by PT - five stars
I hardly know where to start raving about this film. It is fabulous. Remember learning about the ripple effect in science? Or maybe 6 degrees of separation? Well envision that effect on a group of otherwise dissimilar people whose lives happen to CRASH. The actors are phenomenal, the story line is totally believable and this movie makes you realize that it's a true representation of everyone's life - yours, mine, his, hers, theirs....

(I'm not even going to start on how worthless the 2005 version of Crash was. It was only redeemed by a few unintentionally hilarious lines and the presence of Brendan Fraser. This reviewer can only be cured by an accidental viewing of Cronenberg’s Crash.)

Review of “Crash” by CH from Dinuba, CA – five stars
People who were upset about this movie winning the Oscar for Best Picture must be supporters of Brokeback Mountain. I'm glad that Crash beat it. This film is more reality than fiction. There is racism and prejudice in not just L. A., but around the world. Everyone is gets racist and prejudice against. The reason why this movie won Best Picture is because is more real. The American Motion Picture Arts and Science made the right decision of giving this movie the Best Picture Oscar instead of Brokeback Mountain. I recommend this movie.

(That’s right, Crash was about prejudice but Brokeback Mountain wasn’t… And Crash is more “reality” than Brokeback, because a story about two gay people in the closet is really unbelievable. This person also needs to accidentally watch Cronenberg’s Crash.)

MY GROSS LIFESTYLE

I remember my Mythology professor telling us never to use the word “lifestyle” because the only people who have lifestyles live in L.A. I suddenly realized today that it’s not completely true – I now have a lifestyle! You know how sometimes your apartment gets kind of messy, and it happens so gradually and you spend so much time there that nobody seems to notice? Then one day you look around and ask yourself “HOW did this happen?” For Whitney Houston, that day probably came when she saw pictures of her crack den bathroom published in O.K. Magazine. Nobody’s going to publish pictures of my apartment in any gossip rags, so I’m going to post one here with an accompanying explanation. You can learn a lot about somebody from just one picture. This is my living room coffee table which I made in shop class. It sits between the TV and the couch. This is its natural state as of right now (I didn’t add or pose anything in order to make it more pathetic):



Far Left: April 14 “Restaurants Special” issue of the Chicago Reader, which I have yet to read. Coffee thermos and mug. Cat (Pepino). Almost empty bottle of Rene Junot table wine, the best cheap wine you can buy. Kelly’s weed box (the only thing in this picture which is not my fault, in other words). Purple Easter bag and partially eaten chocolate rabbit. Assorted dirty dishes (all from breakfast today, so not that bad). Nailpolish, hair scarves (couldn’t make the trip to my bedroom apparently). Solaris by Stanislaw Lem (I keep trying to read it, but end up watching Battlestar Galactica instead). One of my school binders. An explosion of Star Magazines (I’m working on my celebrity acupuncture journal). A to-do list for today which reads 1. Jobs (meaning, apply for jobs I don’t want) 2. Jerry Springer (call for tickets) 3. Dresser bedroom (meaning clean the goddamn bedroom so I can move out the dresser which is currently falling apart). Guess how many things on my to-do list I’ve actually done today? Remote controls for TV/DVD. Bottles of hot sauce. Weights (for those inspired moments).

OK – just wanted to post this snapshot in time. I’m going to clean now. Ciao.

Not-So-Great Reviewers, French Film: PART ONE

DISCLAIMER: I LOVE FRENCH FILMS. Not everybody loves French films. I realize that. Anybody who loves film in general, however, needs to realize that France has had an immense influence on the trajectory of world cinema. And if they don’t realize that, they need to start watching a bunch of French films from the late 50s to early 80s. I won’t say which ones – it’s pretty easy to figure out. Now, on to the crappy reviews written by insane people on Netflix!

My friend Steve (nowadays referred to as Steven) gets the biggest kick out of the crazy MPAA ratings these days. Just a few years ago movies were rated R for violence or language, PG-13 for language, PG-13 for adult situations, etc. They kept it brief and to the point. Now there is a different description for every film released. I found it very funny that “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” was rated PG-13 for “Thematic elements and some obsessive behavior.” THEMATIC ELEMENTS. That phrase means nothing more than “Something that means something.” Or perhaps it would be easier to just say “Stuff.” How could such a meaningless phrase be used as justification for a PG-13 rating? And what about the “Obsessive Behavior?” I’m not even going to start on that one. Yes, I agree that this particular movie should not be seen by small children, but that’s besides the point.



Review of “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” by SR from CA – four stars
We liked this movie, a lot. Usually nothing happens in French movies. They are very slow, too slow for Americans. But this had some interesting twists. Give it a try.

(Actually, I was going to make fun of SR, but I think she/he has a point – French movies ARE too slow for most Americans. This one really isn’t. I liked it quite a bit, but within the spectrum of French film this would be towards the bottom. Yeah, I’m one of those snobs, but from time to time I can appreciate a movie that isn’t completely esoteric. Let’s face it, this is probably the most action-packed French film made EVER.)




Review of “The 400 Blows” by EE from Prior Lake, MN – one star
I saw this movie based on all the five star ratings I saw for it. Don't fall for them as I did. This film is boring and uninteresting from the first to the last moment, I had to force myself to watch it all the way through. There is no element in this film to recommend it other than to see what Paris looked like forty five years ago. Don't waste your time on it.

(Somebody gave “The 400 Blows” one star! ONE STAR! Wow, I have no commentary on this one. Actually I do – if you haven’t seen this movie yet – watch it immediately. If the film seems trite to you, please remember that’s only because every “lonely kid” movie in the past 40 years has stolen ideas shamelessly from this one… and if it seems boring, please remember that it’s French. Trust me, this is one of the best films ever made by my all-time favorite director.)

Review of “The 400 Blows” by JB from Philadelphia, PA – one star
I can't begin to express how disappointed I was in this film. There isn't one character, including the boy that is sympathetic. The main point of the film was to show how painful this boy's childhood was supposed to be. In the film, the boy is neither physically or sexually abused. He is not thrown out on the streets. While his parents are not June and Ward cleaver, they do feed him, clothe him and seem in their own way to care about his safety. The boy is genuinely unappealing. He's a liar, thief and does all he can to disobey his parents and teachers at every turn. His "harrowing" experiences with his parents do not compare to the horrible experiences millions of children face each day with genuinely abusive parents. At the end of the film, I not only didn't feel sorry for this boy, but had a genuine dislike for him. All in all, the film is incredibly boring and unsatisfying.

(I’m sorry that JB was apparently an abused child. But I think he’s truly missing the point. Seriously, how could anybody find the main character unappealing? It’s Jean-Pierre Leaud’s first movie – his acting style is so pure it can hardly even be called acting. And he played Antoine Doinel (the main character in The 400 Blows) again for four more movies, until he was in his 40s. Leaud is one of the most charismatic actors in the history of film… perhaps THE most charismatic… And until rather recently (when he got kind of fat) he was also one of the best-looking. So please back off of Leaud – he’s my boy! I’m going to Philadelphia to kick some JB ass!)



Review of “Jules and Jim” by Tim Foley – two stars
Normally, I like french films, and this had a lot of nice things going for it. The quirky direction was probably pretty revolutionary at the time, and at times made me think of Amelie with the playful way the movie played with the whole idea of 'calling attention' to itself as 'film', but overall, I was more than a little bored with the whole pointless mess. The love triangle was interesting in its way, but I've seen it done much more effectively elsewhere, and I had a hard time seeing exactly what it was that drew these two men towards this messed up woman.

(I guess I can’t expect everyone to view films with an open mind. But seriously, how could you watch Jules and Jim and compare it to AMELIE? These two movies should never be mentioned in the same sentence (unless you’re saying the sentence Jim and Jules is a French movie, and so is Amelie, but who fucking cares?) You do not need to be a film historian to appreciate a movie that was made before you were born - or a movie from a different culture. Trust me, I’ve done it. I just watched “The Mirror” by Tarkovsky and thought it was probably one of the best films I’ve ever seen in my life. I know next to nothing about Russian history (OK – more than the average American, but still not much), and I’m embarrassed that I’ve seen so very few Russian films. But I didn’t feel the need to compare it to anything else in the world. And film is really a pure art form – you can be involved with a film without completely understanding its particular cultural context. But Tim Foley watches a French film that predates Amelie by a good 40 years and still feels the need to use Amelie as the benchmark. Good job.)


Review of “Jules and Jim” by Mike Habetz from CT – one star
I know Truffaut is supposed to be some kind of genius, but this is a really stupid movie, and it's endless. My brother made me watch it and it was torture. (Then my wife made me watch the second half of Moulin Rouge, making it one of the most painful nights of my life.) I didn't find it remotely insightful into life, love, friendship, or any of the other topics it seems to be trying to treat. It's just three hours of 2 1/2 really annoying male characters obsessing over one really annoying female character and saying a lot of really stupid things that are supposed to be profound.

(Oh, this is truly painful. Somehow Mike Habetz is conflating one of my favorite movies (Jules and Jim) with the worst movie I’ve ever seen (Moulin Rouge). Maybe the pain from watching the second half of Moulin Rouge somehow tainted his memory of Jules and Jim. I’d like to think so. More likely – he was just pissed that his gay brother and wife ganged up on him, and there was some sort of sporting event on at the same time which he missed).

Not-So-Great Reviewers, Pedophilia Version

I saw Mysterious Skin at Landmark Theater - a matinee show. I swear 50% of the audience (about 20 people) had to be pedophiles, or closet pedophiles perhaps. It made me feel gross. The person in line behind me at the ticket counter was an awkward 40-something man who had to get directions to the theater from the ticket booth. Usually people who go to matinees in Chicago are movie buffs who damn well know the way to the theater. The person behind me in line had clearly not been to a movie in years. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but the fact stands that many men saw both Lolita and Mysterious Skin, and they sympathized with the pedophilic characters NOT because they were well-written parts which were brilliantly acted, but because they finally got to see some part of themselves reflected on the movie screen. That's disturbing. Now I'm going to make fun of some amateur reviewers.



Review of “Lolita” by Synesthesia, one star
Because he is a terrible director. This whole movie is heavy handed, the way the cherry drips of the whipped cream to represent a loss of innocence, and how the viction, a 12 year old is practically blamed for Humbert Humbert's pervertedness. Every second of this terrible movie makes me cringe and twitch in horror.

Review of “Lolita” by Katie, four stars
at first i thought this movie would be sick but i saw all of these good reviews and the high rating. the movie isn't sick at all. I thought the man would be this nasty pervert but it wasnt like that. The story line was great and its one of those movies that makes u think about what happened after its over.

(Honestly, I would LOVE to see Synesthesia and Katie in a debate. I really would.)

Review of “Lolita” by Mike Robbins, three stars
Feeling kind of weird in a sick way for even wanting to see a movie like this, but being the Doiminique Swain fan I am. I figured I'd give it a try. Only thing I found good about this movie was all the shots of Dominique's feet. For those with a foot fetish this would be a good one to see, however I found it hard to believe Jeremy Irons would be this kind of guy after seeing him take on Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3.

(Dominique Swain fan? There is no such thing. This review makes me feel queasy. He’s clearly a pedophile/foot fetishist who feels that leaving a review on netflix somehow partially exonerates him from his guilty feelings… oh, it’s terrible. It’s so much easier to justify watching this film because you’re a Nabokov fan… or a Jeremy Irons fan... or both.)




Review of “Mysterious Skin” by AH from New York, NY, one star
After reading all the positive hype I saw on this film, I expected something really special. Instead I suffered through a long, pompous and preposterous waste of time. And for once in my life I'd like to see a gay hustler played by someone not so painfully physically unattractive.

(It’s funny… you can learn so much about somebody in just three sentences. AH from New York is sick of all these ugly gay hustlers! Too many ugly gay hustlers in movies, enough! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched a movie and GOD DAMN IT, ANOTHER ugly-ass gay hustler! Wait a second… what movies is he talking about again? And which gay hustler is ugly? Is it Gordon Joseph-Levitt? God knows he’s way too boyish and scrawny for my tastes, but I don't think anyone besides an Aryan Nation member would consider him truly ugly… wait… confused…)

Review of “Mysterious Skin” by JE from Portland, OR, five stars
This is a Gay movie and follows the lives of two boys from adolescence to adulthood. It's blunt be trail of young & emotionally needy young men learning about the Gay Lifestyle and how the survive as they grow.. This could be a movie to watch with supervision, (AdultGays) & those who are under age but have & are questioning their lifestyle..

(Oh, dear. JE from Portland thinks that gay youths should watch this movie with supervision. I really don’t think this is a gay coming-of-age movie, unless you’re a truly unfortunate gay coming-of-age person.)

Review of “Mysterious Skin” by RH from Cypress, TX 2, one star
I like to be entertained by movies. This is the most unetertaining movie I have ever seen! Too much graphic sex involving children. My wife and I HAD to turn it off. I feel like I need to go to confession for just having rented it.

(Well, I have nothing to say. Maybe they rented the movie because they planned on praying for the eternal souls of the actors, director, writer, producer, line producer, makeup artist, best boy, etc… but, um…. I don’t know, it sounds sketchy to me. If you’re from Texas, DON’T watch this movie. Save some time - just go to confession and tell the priest you THOUGHT about renting the movie.)

Not-So-Great Reviewers, Spanish Language Version

Oh, this is the most fun I've had on the internet in ages. I get to combine my love of film with my love of making fun of people. More reviews of films done by amateurs, this time all Spanish movies. I also came to the realization that I need to see more Central and South American films. Oops.



Review of “Talk to Her” by AB from Washington, DC 2, one star

the suspension of disbelief does not come with this self consious movie. Although the subject matter would seem to be moving-the reality is somewhat tedious.

(Huh? I thought this was one of the best films ever… oh well, guess I was wrong.)




Review of “Abre los ojos” by Rita Youkers

As I was watching this movie, it seemed like I had seen it before. I didn't realize until the end of the movie, I did see it before! It was a generic copy of Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. Why did she do a foreign version after the American version? It wasn't that great of a movie the first time.

(Oh, ouch! Rita doesn’t know that just because she saw Vanilla Sky before she saw Abre los Ojos, it doesn’t mean that Vanilla Sky was actually filmed first. Why the hell did Amenabar sell the rights to this brilliant film? Did he need the money that badly? Was selling the rights the condition which allowed him to start making Hollywood movies?)



Review of “Amores Perros” by Katrina Steidler

This movie was highly recommended to me, it was portrayed as a movie about peoples/dogs lives. Now I donýt mean to say that I thought this was some sort of Disney like dog portrayal movie. I was just very offended by the cruelty of the dog fighting. This movie warrants a strong warning for dog and animal lovers. Yes I am a dog lover my dogs lead better lives than most of the world population, I just had a hard time dealing with the reality of the movie. Looking past this issue, I did find the movie to be very Tarrentino like and I would watch another movie by this director sans the animal rights violations!!

(Poor Katrina. She actually thinks Mexicans kill puppies for entertainment. One thing I love about DVD technology is the bonus features, and one great thing about this DVD in particular is the very long and informative making-of featurette which details exactly how they filmed the entire movie without harming a single dog. Amores Perros is a painful movie to watch for animal lovers, but being one myself, I always sit through movie credits to wait for the “no animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture” disclaimer at the end… and it was sure there. Oh well.)




Review of “Bad Education” by Tom Fischbach, one star

I could not even get thru 10 minutes of this movie, it was terrible. It was also very, very sexual. Gay men in drag having oral sex in the first 5 minutes of the movie. I would not let anyone watch this under the age of 21. This is what is wrong with movies today. You did not need to have those scenes to get your point across Mr. Director. We as movie watchers are not dumb we get the drift without having to take it that far. The director went to far with the sex scenes. Even if the characters were not gay but a heterosexual couple, it was to much. The only people that will like this movie are people who are into gay porn. It was utter crap!

(OK – I might be overstepping my bounds after reading this, but I’m pretty sure that Mr. Fischbach is a closet homo. Who else would rent the gayest of gay films and then be mad about how gay it was?)

Great Films, Not-So-Great Reviewers

Here’s yet another installment of film reviews by amateurs (this time all from netflix). I find the opinions of dullards to be quite entertaining. All typos and misspelled words are left as they appeared in the original reviews.



Review of “A History of Violence” by ia, one star
First something good, Ed Harris was in the movie. Other than that, where to start. Poor acting by Vigo, predicible plot, Gandhi-killer idea, 15 wasted minutes in sex scenes (not bad on their own, but nothing to do with the plot), karate kid junior, cheap usage of shocking and sex scenes to raise adrenalin, no humor, no suspense, no drama, no twist ... Watch any Tarantino movie if you want violence, any Steven Seagal movie if you want "I am invincible" fights, any xxx movie if you want sex scenes. Do not waste 96 minutes on this unless you want inferior mix of the above.



Review of “The Loss of Sexual Innocence” by The Champ, one star
I fast forwarded through most of this doo doo of a film. What are people thinking when they think of ideas like this for films? I mean, who is crazy enough to finance mess like this? The person or persons obviously has money to burn.



Review of “Body Heat” by Veggivixen, one star
Though I am in the minority it seems, my opinion isn't totally out there from what I have read from the other reviewers who didn't rate this highly. There was nothing sexy or erotic about this film. Did zilch for me in that respect. Came across as a really desperate attempt to come across that way, but failed miserably. 1 huge issue is William Hurt as the "sexy" male lead. Sorry, but he has zero sex appeal and it's actually just gross to watch him in sexual situations as he's so unappealing to look at. Reminds me of the casting of Ed Bagley Jr. in She Devil as the "sexy" male lead (just as out of place) and I know Kathleen Turner was supposed to be a sex symbol then, but I have never figured out why. She has no body and a manly voice. She'd be a great drag queen if she were male, but as a woman she barely cuts it looks wise. So we have to lead roles here of people who are not sexy in the slightest. The sex scenes are very sub-par and very few and far between. Dialog is very forced and fake. I guess for one to actually think this is a hot sexy film you must be really disassociated from the world and films in general. And to think this is actually a good film, well I guess you ain't seen many films cause this is not a quality film in any respect.



Review of “Solaris” by Greedy1, one star
I too have read the shamelessly biased reviews of many a paid movie critic of this nightmarishly shallow, poorly scripted, unimaginative sled. How anyone of sound mind or conscious could call this callously packaged ‘chic flick’ anything short of a theatrical debacle is beyond me. The movie is slow, the cinematography is weak, scenes just drone on endlessly, and the ending is about as shocking as a jack in the box. To add insult to injury they shamelessly feed the twisted desires of many a female movie going with three gratuitous Clooney bare butt shots. Can I get a ‘GIVE ME A #$%*%* BREAK!’ The first shot was enough, at least tastefully done and well lit…but the other two, COME ON! Notice that the movie was absent of any female nudity…maybe then I would have been less pressed to bury a straw in my eye after the first 30 minutes. I feel for ANYONE who was fooled by the reviews that has to endure this disaster. Clooney should be beyond embarrassed that he signed on to this bomb

(Oh, too much male nudity… boo hoo! This is perhaps the only non-gay film in the history of cinema which contains more male than female nudity, and Greedy1 wants to begrudge us that? Gee, thanks. I rarely review films based on their nudity content alone, in spite of my twisted desires.)



Review of “Altered States” by Inkybrown, four stars
Ok, I confess, I got this movie because I am a Drewbie (Drew Barrymore fan) and this was her first movie. She's so cute in her brief scene! Otherwise it is really an interesting story that is very engrossing and trippy.

(OK… I’m glad this reviewer enjoyed the movie, but does Drew Barrymore’s barely post-toddler performance really merit mention? I have to say I’ve seen this movie at least 5 times and never noticed it was her. I guess that means I need to watch it again.)



Review of “Dead Ringers” by elena laura, one star
It was the most disturbing, disgusting, distastful movie i have ever seen.... i was so dissapointed and outraged that it compelled me to write a review.

(In case you were wondering, this isn’t the first sentence of the review. This is the entire review.)



Review of “The Mirror” by Melody from ABQ, one star
I hated this movie. It is not my kind of film. There is no story, nothing linear. I found myself asking what is going on? Who is this? I gave up after 30 minutes.

(Just one question… how does somebody rent a Tarkovsky film from Netflix without knowing exactly what they’re getting into?)




Review of “The Man Who Fell To Earth” by SF from Fayetteville, AK
Man, David Bowie can be kind of cool, suck or really suck. Labrynth would be an example of him being kind of cool in a movie. This would be an example of him really sucking. I mean I really like weird movies and, was sure I'd like this one. But this is just gross and stupid. When the girl carries Bowies naked body around like a baby I poped this one out and stuck it in the mail.

(I disagree... I don’t think David Bowie can ever be really suck!)